Chaos! that is what my life has been for almost 13 years. Complete chaos along with love bombing, being devalued, silent treatment, discarded with him living with me, over and over in a neverending cycle of abuse.
After our first separation in 2010, my husband got worse with his abuse. He was great for a couple months and then he was more verbally abusive, he began to put his hands on me, and I was raped frequently. He was also an active opioid abuser but I was not aware of it at the time. He would rage and become physical by putting his hands around my throat or pushing and shoving me. He would stand over me while I sat in my computer chair, my safe place, shouting and pointing his fingers in my face.
There were times he would restrain me in our room and not let me out or keep me inside our apartment because he worked on the grounds and would know when I left. I never called the police out of fear because I had nowhere else to go and would they see it as abuse or me just being a complaining wife because he would lie and manipulate them like he had everyone else in our lives. My parents could not help me and I did not let anyone know what I was going through behind closed doors. I was in the mindset that I made my bed, it was time for me to lie in it and deal with the hand I was dealt.
The troubles with being misdiagnosed
I was misdiagnosed bipolar during our separation because he called me bipolar for four and a half years for my reactions to his awful behavior as well as his lies, gaslighting, and manipulation and I was convinced that was me. I knew my head wasn’t right but only realized at the end when I kicked him out for drugs and he admitted to never being clean our entire relationship that there was nothing wrong with me, that’s when things fell into place. My diagnosis is no longer bipolar.
During the bipolar diagnosis, I was put on anti-psych meds and was raped repeatedly in my sleep. There were times I would wake and be able to put a stop to it. There were more times that I would go to the bathroom in the morning and realize he had ejaculated inside me and I definitely didn’t give consent. I begged him not to touch me while I slept. I told him that I viewed it as rape since I wasn’t in a position to consent. He said, “I touched your butt and you were into it”.
Another reason I stopped the medication besides being raped and it being the only time he seemed to like me was when I was on them my issue was I was not present for any of my children. I would pass out with two toddlers running around because I could not keep my eyes open or my head up. Luckily nothing ever happened while I was under the influence of these medications but it does not stop me from thinking about what could have been.
I stopped the meds after a tumor appeared in my pituitary gland. I realized then that I had to get off the medications or the issues would continue again and again and the medical consequences were scary. Going off the medication allowed me to be more present and I was able to stop the unwanted advances. I wish I had done more to protect me at the time.
Domestic Violence shelters are around for a reason. They are there to help you when you’re stuck in a situation. I wish I had known more back then to save myself the misery that I went through for the past 8 years but everything happens for a reason. I have to believe that I was pulled back for so long because it was the universe’s way to catapult me forward to make a better life for my children and me.
Fast forward to this year. My husband is still full of rage even though he claims to be clean and sober. Over the first 6 months of our separation, I was the target of his rage even though he moved 1200 miles away. On every occasion that we talked on the phone, he was nasty. He threatened to break my fingers because he wanted to talk on the phone and not text and he also threatened to bury me if I took his kids away when I was seeking sole custody. These were threats and even with the distance I still worried about it.
On Mother’s day, because I was asking for check stubs from his jobs, I was cussed out and called names and told how awful a person I am while my kids listened in because I had him on speaker. It was May 13th, Mother’s Day after all and I was sure he would be nice. That is when my kids asked me to stop talking to him for good.
The first day of the rest of my life.
I was done with being screamed at and called names and belittled. My children were no longer going to think it’s ok to accept this treatment. I was done. He messaged me a week later on the 20th and received no reply. Four days after that he was in the state and sent a text to which there was no reply and another the next day. On the 27th he texted and said he was free from Tuesday on and that he would like to see our girls. He threatened to break my fingers and bury me but still expected me to bring our kids to him.
Tuesday my text notifications went off and I knew it was him. He started spouting nonsense about him not seeing our girls while he was here and that this was the reason we would never work out. The bait worked. I responded with we will not work out because you lied to me for 12 years about your drug use and I was not putting myself back into a situation to be abused any longer.
My anxiety was through the roof I was in panic mode. He said he was following my location from my phone number and named two places that whatever he looked it up on was telling him. Neither was true but it was still crazy that he would go to that extent. Later that evening he sent our oldest daughter a link to track her phone. She showed me immediately and that was the time the decision was made to get protection from this man. He will stop at nothing to try to control me.
That night I worked my shift and when I came home in the morning I changed and immediately went to the courthouse with no sleep and they pointed me to the Salvation Army victims advocates. I went through the paperwork (book), for a domestic violence injunction, they provided and filled it out as thoroughly as I could. I added as much detail as I could and then went to Walgreens and printed pictures of screenshots for proof of some of the things I said.
Armed with my proof I headed back to the courthouse and filed the paperwork. Filing the paperwork did not cost anything for me. I had to wait at the courthouse until after 5 PM when the judge was done with their cases for the day and by 5:15 PM I had my answer. Temporary Injunction granted. What a relief. My court date was set for June 12 but I knew that he could no longer contact me after he was served. Filing the paperwork meant that I was legally not allowed to contact him or even reply. He sent some nasty texts before he was served.
It took 5 days to have him served since he left the state just after I filed. That was extra money spent but money well spent. He was served in time and was able to hire an attorney. This meant that I was no longer against my ex, I had to deal with an attorney that was only getting half of the story and a lie at that. There are so many things I would have done differently since I know what I know now.
Temporary Injunction Hearing
While in court in June his attorney wanted to continue the case and I gave permission for it. The injunction would stay in place until the next hearing. A 15-day temporary injunction ended up lasting 91 days. He was supposed to appear by phone at our next hearing. I took the 2 months to write a statement and print out all of my proof. I had it all. I was confident that the injunction would be extended because of the proof I had of his abuse and manipulation and my sworn statement.
The only contact he made during that time was with my adult daughters. My oldest blocked him and my second daughter talked to him. He passed along messages to the girls we have together but while I was in court I was so anxious that I did not bring it up. No one in his family has gone out of their way to contact my younger girls and they are OK with that but I will always be the scapegoat as to why.
My husband has 7 biological children and since I have been in the picture I was the blame for everything all of the time. I was the reason he did not talk to his ex. I was the reason he did not talk to his mom. I was the reason he did not talk to his kids. Now they are all one big happy family posting and commenting on each other’s pages while I sit here and wonder what the hell I did to deserve all of this.
Final Hearing for the Temporary Injunction
When I was planning for the hearing I envisioned being in an open courtroom. Not in a small hearing room. I did not want to sit across the table from his smug attorney and watch my step-daughter tell some story that was a complete lie, I don’t run unless I am being chased so, me running after him was absurd, and one that was about her and my supposed abuse towards her when I flipped out about a space heater. I flipped out with words only because when I was 8 my sister caught our bedroom on fire because she refused to clean up her mess and a lamp caught some clothes on fire and we lost everything. My stepdaughter was sharing a room with my daughter at the time and she would not clean up her mess, ever. I hope she keeps her house cleaner than she kept mine at any time she lived there.
The hearing was shorter than the hour scheduled and my husband did not appear by phone at all because he could not be sworn in. He would have lied anyway, I am sure. He is always the victim and never the villain. I wish I had read my statement. I wish I had presented the evidence of my statement. I wish my stepdaughter actually knew what I had been through fully. She was only there for the first 3 years and then another time for 9 months at a time when he couldn’t get out of bed to function as an adult on some days. During that time she would complain to me about her dad but he is her dad and they are busy blaming me for everything now. This case was not about her it was about him and there were no questions that I could ask her because of that.
The injunction was dropped. I didn’t present my case. I could barely complete a thought because I was so anxious. The judge was asking if I was finding a way to heal in the end and I assured him that I was getting support and would never allow a person to treat me as he had over the years. In the 91 days of No Contact, I started to realize that even though the injunction was dropped I could still remain no contact and continue moving forward and that is what I am choosing to do by writing my blogs and getting my story out and helping other survivors along the way.
Since the injunction was dropped over a week ago I was contacted by him once and my girls have been contacted several times but only the oldest because he only has her information until the youngest gives him her information, if that ever happens. They have told him they do not want to talk but he has not given up and they have not bent to his wants. I will be looking into counseling for them both very soon so there is an outside party that can speak to them. I never wanted the same thing to happen to them as what happened with their five older siblings by him not being there to be their dad and I also never want them to feel the way I do because of him.